At a time when girls in India are educated, have secure families, successful careers and are beautiful—why is dowry even a conversation?
Story headlines: https://www.thenewsminute.com/tamil-nadu/husband-and-mother-in-law-arrested-in-suspected-dowry-death-second-in-a-week-in-tn
The Voice Note That Broke My Heart
Her voice note made me sad, like it was my daughter wanting to die – and I don’t even have kids. I’m sure all who listened to her recording could relate to her desperation. My immediate thought was “How protected was she that she was unable to face this evil?”
Not to minimize her pain or her suffering—she was only 27 and had her whole life ahead of her. But how many young women do we all know who have endured worse because they did not want to give up on life? Is this a slap to all who have lived past trauma? Or is this a pass that we give to those who have everything?
She chose to end her life. That’s her decision, and we all have to respect that. But I also have to take time to applaud those who survived the worst. Kudos to you for choosing life, specially when everything was at stake. Kudos for choosing courage and relying on your strength. Don’t waste your time listening to haters. You have done what is right.
The Fundamental Question: How We Raise Our Girls
There’s something fundamental we need to address: how a girl is raised. In this case, the girl had everything—a full family, money, education, beauty, and the mental capacity to make decisions. When her wedding was being arranged, why wasn’t she able to say no to this family? If she couldn’t, why didn’t her parents say no? After the dowry ask, why wasn’t she able to stand up and face her in-laws? Isn’t this why parents work hard and send their kids to school? Work hard and use every last rupee to get that medical seat and pass that NEET exam? After all that you invest in your child, after instilling family values, after securing for them prime education, you’re reducing your own efforts and your child’s life to money, gold, and property? That doesn’t sound right.
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When Parenting Fails
It matters how a child is parented. Y’all got mad when I talked about insecure parenting in my videos—that parents are always right and they know best. In this case, were the parents right? How much should the parents of a daughter belittle themselves and stay naive to hand off their daughter to a family such as this?
I’m not in any way saying that the boy’s parents were right. They, one hundred percent, should be penalized and justice should be served. But the girl and her parents are also guilty.
We’ve Already Broken This System—Why Are We Going Back?
This makes me angry, as it angers many of you. Our parents’ and grandparents’ generation have broken the dowry system for us. Education has broken this for us. Women’s exceptional careers have broken this for us. And yet, as a person, we can’t say no to dowry?
If we can’t say no, then we are failing at life. If we can’t live through this hurt, we are failing at life. A girl is dead. A girl who had everything took her own life. The parents’ tears cannot bring her back to life.
What We Need to Do Differently
Let me come to the point and give it to you straight: Parenting is vital. Raise your girls with the ability to have an opinion at home. Raise your girls to practice having a voice from a young age. Your women are not property. They have a heart and a brain. Teach them to use it when they are young. Your honor is not more important than your daughter’s life. It’s okay to say no to a dowry. It’s okay to not ask for a dowry. If the family your daughter is walking into puts caste, color, finances, religion, or denomination before the actual person, they are not for you. Grow a spine and say no. Losing a life is not worth it. There are plenty of other young men and families who will treat your girl like a whole human.
Don’t be that person caught in dowry marriages, and don’t create space for people who are that way. This story is a failure to our community. The girl taking her life shows weakness of a young girl, which is not the reality. I personally know women who have endured worse and come out stronger at the end. Stop shaming women for getting a divorce when they walk out of societal evils such as this. It is a disgrace to strong women. Instead, hold parents accountable to support their children during wedding season.
The Power of Community
The strength and weakness of Tamils is community. Yes, our community is highly judgmental and ostracizing. But there is power in our community. We will also come together when you are in need. If the parents or the father had called upon his community to say no to dowry or facilitate the end of the fixed wedding, the community would have shown up. I know this to be true because I’m living proof.
What I Hope Happens Next
It’s heartbreaking and I can’t imagine what the girl’s family is going through. I pray that you recover from this great loss and God helps you find peace. But if I’m being honest, I hope there’s also realization for the mistake made ten steps before the wedding—the mistake of belittling yourselves for having a daughter. I hope you are served justice, grieve gently and become better decision makers.
As painful and awful as it is to write this, this story is not a definition of our community or culture. And I write this specifically because stories such as this give license for families around the world to do the same.
As for the boy and his parents, thank God for this law. I hope the courts have a trial and serve the right verdict. I hope the family changes their stance and views on marriage because this is not the Indian way. This is not the Tamil way. This is not an honorable wedding or a marriage.
A Message to Parents and Young Women
As for all the parents reading this, I hope you learn to be on your children’s side. Kids don’t know everything – true. The reality is parents also face new hurdles everyday. Navigating them with wisdom and grace is a testament to good parenting. Ignoring, yelling and overriding your child’s wishes isn’t. Be present. Listen to them, hear them out, put them first, talk to them and raise them to be strong decision makers from a young age. Teach them core values and give them space to execute them.
Let this be a lesson to all of you watching, especially those who are sheltered and overprotected. You are not property. You are not weak to end your life because someone said they own you. No one owns you. No one’s money, ego, or pride should break you. No religion, language, caste, culture or financial level should make you feel small. Choose to live. Choose to win. Choose strength, courage, and endurance. Struggles will come. I want to see you win at life.
And please – Find your identity.
“A grand wedding is not the goal. A successful marriage is.”
My prayers to the family mourning this great loss.
