Feel the pain, sweetheart.

After my Masters, I had almost two years of my life where I wasn’t sure where I was going. I really didn’t take the time to try to figure out what to do next. I always thought I will do one thing after another and not have any gap years or have that time to stay clueless of what to do next. Honestly, it was a difficult period as I didn’t know where I was going next. The uncertainty made it worse. 

I remember taking up odd jobs because the options I had where not the ones I was supposed to invest in. I always knew where I was to go and what I was to do next but didn’t know if that was the right time to invest in that direction. Thinking about it now, I didn’t have the confidence to pursue what I now think I should have been doing. That lack of confidence was the focal demotivator to being frustrated, clueless and slightly starting to feel disappointed in myself. I did really give my 100% while I was doing those jobs.

For some reason I thought “maybe my next venture will come out of this”. I always saw potential in what I did. I’m a dreamer. All I do is see expansion in the work of my hands. But again, time proved those jobs to be temporary. The knowledge and friendships I gained during that time though, were permanent. I also had back out of certain gigs because I had to prioritize those friendships more than work. I started working on new skills and hidden talents. These were simple things that I knew I had but always put to the side thinking it wasn’t for me to deal with. 

In the studio for a friend’s project

Another demotivation was not having the right persons to walk with me during that time. Right out of college, I was looking at my friends at what they were doing. They were all as clueless as I was, sometimes even worse. Naturally, another factor was people who were willing to give me free advice were those who knew the old me or didn’t know me well enough. All well and good but the voice inside was not convinced that’s where I should be going. I realize now that I didn’t have strong motivators to push me in the right direction and I was looking at lives that I shouldn’t be looking at. 

It was probably one of the times in my life where I felt most vulnerable, attacked and helpless. Not knowing what to do with the present is the worst feeling anyone in their 20s can have. I never thought I would go through it coz I’ve seen too much in my life to not follow a plan. 

State of being lost

I learned that my plans will never keep up with my time because I’m not the one to dictate what to do. Me, being in denial of that fact, made things worse for me. I’ve always had to put on a brave face and have my life figured out. For like the tenth time, I didn’t have my life figured out and I HAD to come to terms with it. 

Today, I’m in a much better place. Wouldn’t say I’ve accomplished it all but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never have my life figured out at all times but just having the confidence to pursue what’s in front me is a good step in the right direction. Even if it felt like rock bottom, I’m happy I took the time to feel that pain. It really wasn’t rock bottom, it just felt dramatic like that coz I had no other perspective to look through. Stopping and taking that bend also made me realize many other things that I would not have thought about if I wasn’t in that headspace. Who knew transitions would be so important? In my books, such a “bad” transition actually did good for me and is still continuing to do good for me as I sit and think about it. 

They say “confidence is key”. These almost two years of transition definitely taught me to be patient in analyzing all my possibilities, being willing to learn new things, investing in new friendships and take things one day at a time even if that means you have to fight a daily internal battle with a high fever on your external body. 

These are things that will make our transitions worth it. Don’t take the easy way out. Take the line with less people in it. Sit on the dirt roads. These will be the building blocks to seeing success. 

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